Starting again

So, With the new year came new things!! We decided after trying for 3 years and having a miscarriage last year, maybe we should try harder again. I went in Jan and got rx Clomid 50mg and Provera for 10 days. First round was Feb and nothing. Which in all honesty I do NOT believe I took it correctly. I don't think I fully understood everything and they did not write it down for me. So by the time I got home i TOTALLY forgot!! So, March was round 2 of Clomid and Provera. This time Clomid was bumped up tp 100mg and Provera 10mg for 10 days. CD1 was March 16th. I got a + OPK on April 02 which was CD18. I'm VERY anxious to test!! I can NOT wait and this wait is KILLING ME!!!! Dang!! I can't think of anything to keep me not thinkin about whether I am or not!! GOSH!! I do know whenever we find out for sure. I will not immediately tell our family and friends. Especially after our last miscarriage. Whenever we get our first sonogram I am going to frame it and send it in a frame or Card that is some sort of suprise first grandparents, aunt/uncle cards to our families. I will mail DH side of the family first. They all live in England, except his mother and father now live in France. This will be their FIRST grandchild. My DH seems to think his brother and his wife will not have kids. For whatever reason. He said cuz she's 36 and shes gettin to old. Idk what his thing with age is but that is what he is thinking. So, I will also be sending the same cards to my family but theirs won't take a week to recieve. So, I want DH family to know the ''secrete'' before seeing it on facebook or getting an email. We shall see!! I'm just stoked and ready for the 2ww to be OVER!!!

How can I be so surrounded by people and still feel so alone?

I feel so horrible and depressed. I have to act like I am happy everyday when truely inside I feel like I'm dying. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. My dream had finally came true and then 4 days later is all came crashing down.... I feel like I have nobody to talk to..So, alone. Even though I know I'm not. I feel it. I cry myself to sleep every night. Seems I wake up still crying. It's horrible!!! I hate waking up every morning and having to put my fake smile and put my fake happiness attitude. I hate this!! I hate knowing that I WAS pregant..and now...I'm not. How can I go from the happiest person to the most depressed feeling person in 4 days!!! 4 DAYS!!!! One of the hardest things for me is to know that my baby would have been born December 20, 2010. That is 5 days before Christmas, 10 days before my birthday and 17 before my husbands birthday. Husbands parents were planning a trip over here in January after the baby was born so they could spend some time with their first grandchild. We were suppose to actually spend some Christmas time in England with all of his family. Now, everything is on hold. I feel like my own world is dark, with no sunlight, balancing on a single grain of salt. Just sitting there teeter-tottering back and forth, back and forth.

Some happiness

After going BACK to the doctor AGAIN I finally have some good news out of everything that has been going on. First off, 4 months ago my A1C1 levels were in the upper 7s or 8 I can't exactly remember and didnt bother to ask. Anyways, He rechecked them and...THEY ARE A 5.36!!! I am so excited. I now, NO LONGER have to take ANY KIND of my sugar medicines!!! YAAAAHH!!! I am so happy!! Before, I was taking 2000mg of Metformin...FOR 8 years!! Now, Notta!! Well, I still have to take my blood pressure medicine, and he added a cholesterol medicine. I'm fine with 3 pills a day to compare to the 10+ a day!!
I guess we are back to the baby making again. Sometimes I still wonder why I had an ectopic pregnancy. I am looking on the bright side and just saying it was a SIGN...A sign that I CAN get pregnant!! AT SOME POINT!! Wish that some point was soon!! Like REAL SOON! Who knows, I've had a lot of ppl tell me including a doctor tell me sometimes its easier after a miscarrage. Yesterday at the doctors he had to ask what the OB said and everything. I could barely get everything out to tell them. I was crying... It sucks! BADLY!! To know, I was so close..And now....I have nothing. In 9 months (december 20th) 5 days before Christmas, 10 days before my birthday, and 8 days before my husbands, I will be empty handed..No newborn to be holding and nursing and going thru all the new things new moms go thur. I still hope, and pray to God, that one day (WISH IT WILL BE SOON) I will become pregnant again..IN THE CORRECT PLACE!!! IN THE UTERUS!!!

Not in a million years....

Lets see... 2 weeks ago today I went to the ER suffering from severe back pain. All they said was possibly strained the joint. Whatever they gave me some pain pills to relieve the pain. So, that never happened. Honestly the pain was SO BAD I couldnt make the slightest movement without screaming in such pain and agony. So, I went and seen my family doctor and he did a urine test to check to see if I possibly have a bladder or kidney infection. As standard protocol they done a pregnancy test..........................................................................
The doctor came in said "Well, Jensi you're pregnant". I said excuse I'm WHAT?! He assured me yes, you are pregnant. Then comes words that I didn't want to hear....BUT dont get too excited yet. I believe you are miscarrying.... So, he sent me for a transvaginal ultrasound STAT to see exactly how care along I was and to also make sure it was not a tubal..... All along I am looking at my husband who is across the room smiling ear to ear when he heard the doctor tell me like 5 times I was truely pregnant...
The ultrasound tech made sure to tell me up front she was not allowed to yes she does or not she does not see anything or exactly how far along I was. All because she was NOT the doctor and she was not allowed. Simple as that we totally understood... After laying on the table thingy with me feet up in the stirups and her poking and probing in MY VAGINA she took lots of photos and directly walked them down to her head of whatever doctor. While sitting back in the lobby waiting.. My family doctor called. Telling me it was not in my tubes but I was too early for anything to show. So he sent me down the hall to get BETA done. See if he could tell how far that way... He called me about 6pm that night. My BETA was 313.9 which put me about 1-2 weeks. TALKING ABOUT KNOWING FROM THE START!!! LOL! He still told me I was not in the clear but wanted to check it again in 2 days and see if my numbers went up or down. According to the ultrasound it says " Partially cystic lesion adjacent to the cervix which measures up to 2.6cm which is discrete from the right and left ovaries and given the postive pregnancy test, is concerning for ectopic pregnancy. Repeat BETA in 24-48 hours''. So, 48 hours later I go to my OB and he redoes the test and tells me to be neutral cuz no one has ever stuck a wand in my vagina to have a look so therefore there is still a chance the cystic thingy has always been there. About 5pm that day they called and confirmed that I was no longer pregnant my numbers had dropped where they were no longer pregnancy levels........


Well, While I go finish crying after writing and reading this all over and its becoming more and more real. I am going to watch tv and start my 5 day bedrest due to my back STILL HURTING!!!
*Jensi*

First one

I have been following a lot of people blogs. Lately, I've had a VERY heavy heart and just needing to tell a lot of things. I feel I have nobody to talk to, even though I know that is not sure. I believe a lot of this has to be with stress.
I have been married for a year (as of march 10, 2010) I completely love and adore my husband. He is from England. He has been living here in the US for 3 years (as of March 9, 2010). He originally came to live with his ex-psychotic-bitch-wife. They lived 4 years in England, and one year in FL. Moved back to England, then moved back to Georgia shortly after. Things didn't work out so he left and moved in here in the mountains with her sister and brother-in law.
We met while both working at our local WalMart Super center. How classic?! lol. Dated 2 years then married. August will be 3 years being together. I still, to this day, have not met his family. I have actually met 2 first cousins. One came over for a work business trip and we drove to get him for the weekend. Then, last year his other cousin and her boyfriend came over fr 2 weeks! I LOVED IT!! We all had so much fun!! Hopefully this year around Christmas we will get to go to England and I can finally meet his family. His parents now live in the south of France. I would be delighted to go to either or even both!!!
As I mentioned in my "About Me" section I have PCOS and currently have been unable to conceive. I currently have my 11 year old cousin living with us. We are starting the Foster/Adopt process today. We go at 6pm to get everything starting. Lots of paperwork to do. I am very excited. Hubby is too, but tired. He works night shift at a local processing plant. He is a lead person now. He works 40-50 hours a week!! We don't really get a lot of alone time anymore. Actually, any time! We're pressing on forward though!
The last couple of days I have been so ill! I didn't even want to be around myself much less someone else be around me! After 4 or 5 long days of nothing but crying and feeling sorry for myself I was seriously beginning to wonder what in the hell was going on with me. I was convinced my husband didn't love me and everything. Well, yesterday I got a big surprise! Mother nature left me a big red surprise! I'm totally not sure to having a period as my body just don't. Ever since my 11 year old cousin started getting her period my body seems to be syncing. I think I am going to like this though! Only because I believe it could help me in the ttc department!! We'll see!!