Tuesday, April 20, 2010

How can I be so surrounded by people and still feel so alone?

I feel so horrible and depressed. I have to act like I am happy everyday when truely inside I feel like I'm dying. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. My dream had finally came true and then 4 days later is all came crashing down.... I feel like I have nobody to talk to..So, alone. Even though I know I'm not. I feel it. I cry myself to sleep every night. Seems I wake up still crying. It's horrible!!! I hate waking up every morning and having to put my fake smile and put my fake happiness attitude. I hate this!! I hate knowing that I WAS pregant..and now...I'm not. How can I go from the happiest person to the most depressed feeling person in 4 days!!! 4 DAYS!!!! One of the hardest things for me is to know that my baby would have been born December 20, 2010. That is 5 days before Christmas, 10 days before my birthday and 17 before my husbands birthday. Husbands parents were planning a trip over here in January after the baby was born so they could spend some time with their first grandchild. We were suppose to actually spend some Christmas time in England with all of his family. Now, everything is on hold. I feel like my own world is dark, with no sunlight, balancing on a single grain of salt. Just sitting there teeter-tottering back and forth, back and forth.

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